I should be class president because I will work harder than anyone else for you! In fact, I will strive to convince the local board of education to issue permanent hall passes to every man woman and child in this school and, god willing, in this entire school district.
Yes, friends, if I am elected, you will be able to roam the halls like packs of rabid ravenous rivening dogs and/or doglike quadrupedal creatures. Stand aside, status quo, because the hall pass culture is upon us!
Not enough of a reason, you say? Well, try this one on for size, kiddies. Each and every student will get their very own hamster pal complete with fun-ball, water bottle, locker-shelf sized hamster habitat complete with excersize wheel, and one semester's supply of hamster chow. This will serve two purposes at the same time for you, my stunningly attractive electorate:
You will have a small, cute, furry pal with you while you are wandering the halls under the protection of your permanent hall passes.
In the event of nuclear holocaust you will either have a small snack that can tide you over until the mutants arrive to rape you of your bodily organs and sew your body parts onto themselves or you have an adorably furry little bit genetic material with which to bond and form a new super human-hamster symbiont.
Surely this will be enough to bring you to the polls this friday, but if not, I am definitely willing to resort to fear-mongering. You asked for it, and if you didn't I will just assume you want it by default. All the rights afforded to you as a citizen of this student body. If you do NOT vote for me for class president, then the consequences will be quite dire indeed. Dire and ominous. Ominous and foul. Foul and furious. Furious and dangerous. Dangerous and rhinoserous. Rhinoserous and elephantine. Elephantine and epiphinacal. Epiphinacal and unical. Unical and United Way. And when the United Way has taken over and given the sovereignty of this, your hallowed halls of education, over to the godless socialists of the United Nations then....OH THEN!!!!! THEN you shall find yourself quickly without your rights!Of this hot, beautiful, attractive and athletic student body. If that happens you will all certainly become geeks, nerds and beggars and will develop an atrocious acne problem of biblical proportions.
This nightmare could easily come true, my friends. And if you want that, then go ahead and vote for my opponant. The UN will be on our flag, and blue helmets will wander the halls on corn-and-mayonaise day.*
DID I just say corn-and-mayonaise day? YES I DID. You heard me. If my opponant is elected school president, you will have nothing to eat at lunch the first tuesday of each month besides CORN AND MAYONAISE. I have heard from anonymous sources from within my opponant's organization that he will not only institute this despicable dietary program, but will make it mandatory. That's right, no one will be allowed to leave school premises during luch nor will they be allowed to bag their own lunch on corn and mayonaise day. I haven't even gotten to the liverworst and meunster day.
So, what is it going to be, my fellow students? Life with hall passes and hamsters, or life under a UN mandate with loose bowels as your only comfort?
Thank you and god speed, my orgasmically gorgious electorate.
