Whats on TV This essay was written in 1999.
Viewing television--also known as TV--has become all the rage in North America lately. This new technology allows people to travel far beyond the bounds of their little worlds, effectively bringing the places and events of the world at large into sharp focus. But, as more and more American families bring these new-fangled TV sets into their lives, it becomes apparent that their very manner of partaking in this new pastime has countless variations; moreover, the execution of this habit has even been found to variate to some degree within the confines of a nuclear family. This essay will produce for the reader a few examples of the inexplicably dissimilar viewing habits of a typical American couple.



First, picture a small living room in a small house. A well-used, 23 year old couch sits, throw blanket draped across its rear cushions, with it’s back against one wall. If a person sitting on that couch would but turn their head to the right they would find themselves gazing out a large picture window at the surrounding neighborhood through five foot long vertical blinds. the 23 year old couch!A glance to the left would show them a small fish tank, the hall leading to the kitchen, and a sturdy old Baldwin piano with clean simple lines which harken back to the era of the Bauhaus. These vistas are, for good or bad, most often ignored. Why? Because directly across from that elderly elmwood sofa is a monolithic entertainment center, complete with its primary occupant, a 25" GE television. Its warm glow fills the room at night, and the two people who dwell here gaze at it for a couple hours in the darkness, seeking mindless relief from their daily toils. These two--let’s call them J and H for now–together seek some of their entertainment from their TV. Observation would soon reveal that they exhibit very different interests in what they watch; however, a perceptive observer might also note that these two have many similarities as well.



Now, an observation of viewing methodology. Consider subject J. J works for a professional services company and, as sometimes occurs, has returned home from work several hours earlier than H, who labors in a hospital setting and works late hours on occasion. After feeding the family pets and changing his clothes he plops down, cross-legged, onto the floor in front of the couch. Soon the television is activated and he’s enjoying reruns of the Simpsons while playing with his cat,Odo on J's knee. Odo. On other days he has been known to disassemble something that might have been carelessly left within his reach by H. Many such incidents have ended with J covered in splotches of ink, or surrounded by bits of paper. But today he simply tussles with Odo and rocks to and fro, listening to–and frequently glancing up at--the television as Homer and Bart embark upon some silly adventure. Soon, H walks through the front door and scolds J for sitting too close to the TV. This otherwise sound advice is soon rendered unnecessary as J--television momentarily forgotten--leaps to his feet and jumps up-and-down with happiness at H’s arrival. Minutes later, H is moving about the house and J has returned to watching TV. H will likely gather the day’s mail to read, or the dog to play with, and will sit on the couch and patiently wait for J’s show to end before claiming her right to the remote. At that point a concerted effort will be made by each to find a program that they both find acceptable; this is a difficult, but not impossible, enterprise.

Next, consider H. H works in a hospital setting and, as sometimes occurs, has returned home from work earlier than J, who labors for a professional services company and works late hours on occasion. After feeding the family pets, she sits on the couch in her work clothes, wrapped in a blanket, hugging her knees in front of her. She flips through the channels looking for something interesting, and settles on some medical documentary, preferably with many close-ups of bloody body cavities. Soon, J walks through the front door, greets H and, as soon as he notices the TV show, loudly proclaims the “gross”ness of the subject matter. TGross Operation Show!he scolding is soon ignored as H, television momentarily forgotten, leaps to her feet and hugs J in celebration of his arrival. Minutes later, J is moving about the house and H has returned to watching TV. J will likely gather a magazine or book to read, or a handheld video game or cat to play with, and will sit on the couch to patiently wait for H’s show to end before claiming his right to the remote. At that point a concerted effort is made by each to find a program that they both find acceptable; this is an undeniably difficult, but not impossible, enterprise.



These scenarios are both commonplace, though not universal, and demonstrate how the methodology of TV viewing for H and J are quite different. J, for instance, tends to be a bit more active while watching TV, but not more productive. At times, he is even involuntarily destructive if left unsupervised. In contrast, H seems to be a more controlled and calm viewer. She also tends to have a bit more flexibility in which shows are viewed. J, however, is a creature of habit who will watch the same shows, at the same time, every day if at all possible. But both J and H will watch a show of their own choosing while awaiting the arrival of their mate; likewise, both J and H will attempt to complete their chosen show even after the other has joined them within the dwelling. And finally, both H and J will attempt to find a viewing selection considered permissible by both parties.



As hinted at by the shows which were chosen by H and J in the above methodology scenarios, each member of this couple has very different viewing tastes. J’s tastes tend to favor absurdist, satirical, or satirically absurdist humor. The Simpsons, a popular “animated” show referenced previously, is an example of the latter combination of absurdity and satire. The Upright Citizens Brigade, promoted as “seriously f*?&ed up sketch comedy,” is another.Upright Citizens Brigade He also appears to enjoy science and nature shows--provided they are not hosted by people with British accents and do not endorse superstitions like psychic powers or ghosts. Also enjoyable to J are programs dealing with history, so long as they do not center on either World War II or Adolf Hitler. This stipulation is not put in place because WWII and/or Hitler make him feel guilty, angry, or outraged, but merely because he is “sick of seeing black and white pictures of Nazis goose-stepping.” He naively thinks that historical, scientific or naturalistic programming can actually teach him something, or help him develop in some way other than pelvic width. COPS is filmed on location with the men and women....H, on the other hand, thinks absurdist comedy is often stupid, and quickly grows bored with edutainment programming which, in her opinion, never goes into enough detail to teach anybody anything worthwhile; instead, H’s favorite programs tend to be based on reality. Her long time favorites include “COPS”, “Trauma Life in the ER” and “Animal ER”. She also appears to enjoy biographical documentaries of popular personalities such as VH1's “Behind the Music” and “Where are They Now?” J thinks that real gore and blood are repulsive, and becomes disturbed and depressed when actual death is shown on TV. He also has little interest in the lives of popular musicians or actors who, in his opinion, neither deserve nor need his personal attention.

There are times when J’s or H’s choice of programming, and the methodology selected for the presentation, are employed as a means of performing a joke or prank upon their counterpart. An example of this phenomenon is the following morning ritual performed by J. Every weekday morning at 7:00am, CHiPs reruns are aired on TNT. Provided H is still sleeping peacefully, J will blare the funky disco-era CHiPs theme music as loud as he can stand it–much to H’s annoyance! Another example of TV based practical joking is exemplified by H innocently asking J to, “check it out,” while gesturing at the television the precise moment a nauseating surgical operation, such as a vasectomy, penile catheterization, or cataracts removal is being displayed in all its organic beauty. While both these pranks differ in execution, they do not differ in their intention: to use the TV to force the other to experience TV programming which they otherwise would avoid. It may be difficult for most individuals to accept this sort of visual ambush as humor, but J and H continue this behavior to this day.

Besides all this, there do occur moments of TV agreement, unlikely as that may seem. As an example, consider that J and H have fundamentally the same taste in situation comedies. Both enjoy "Drew Carey", "King of Queens" and "Everybody Loves Raymond"; furthermore, they both generally reserve their greatest reservoirs of dislike and hatred for the same programs, such as the popular sitcoms "Friends" and "Seinfeld." That is, while they may dislike many of the viewing choices their opposite member makes, they do not usually hate those choices. True hatred is often shared by both H and J, and is reserved for the likes of MTV’s “Spring Break,” ABC’s “Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” and any fashion show or supermodel expose’ on the E network. Inane and obvious sporting event commentators are also given a special place in the halls of the damned as far as H and J are concerned. Ice skating commentators advising that “you’ve got to remember, ice is very slippery,” or hockey commentators explaining with a straight face that, “if he’d have just gotten that goal, he could’ve scored another point,” fill them both with unreasoning anger, and give them, at least for a moment, a common enemy. Even while they are angry, they feel happy. “We agree!” they think.

Finally, consider H and J in a final scenario. It doesn’t matter who arrived home first, as it is now later in the evening. H and J are on both on that old couch. One sits up, one lies down. One rests their head on the other’s thigh and the first is stroking the hair of the second. They are sharing friendship, comradery, love. They are smiling--for this moment at least.

While this essay has not been all-inclusive, and has centered on only one couple, they may be considered a good basis for future incursions into this subject matter. That is, while H and J–and their fancy TV–cannot be said to be a statistical representation of any appreciable segment of the American populace, it may be borne out through future observation that they do represent a realistic portrayal of what might be found within the walls of many homes in this day and age. Furthermore, while their viewing habits are, on the surface, very different, they can also be said to be ultimately compatible. As far as H’s and J’s relationship is concerned, it doesn’t even matter what’s on TV.  ¶ 4:14 PM